Trial by Jury

Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I know that the normal evidence I would need in a case like this consists of original work bearing proof of the time of its creation, but since the perpetrators of this reprehensible act have covered their trail and made the retrieval of this evidence impossible, I would like to offer to you another kind of evidence, proof that the work in dispute belongs to my client by virtue of being a true expression of his life! Jury: Ooooh! Ah! Lawyer: Let us begin with the suicide prevention line sketch in which a man calls a suicide prevention line too many times. My client says that he wrote it after calling the suicide crisis line several times and getting no answer. I present my first witness, an employee with that service, Claire Beaumont. Miss Beaumont, do you recognize my client? Beaumont: In all the years I worked for the Crisis Centre there was only one number we had to block. It was a man who kept calling and calling and always wanted to talk to the women so he could yell at them and blame them for his misery. After a while we just couldn't take it any more. Lawyer: (pointing to client) Is this the man? Beaumont: I don't know. I'd have to hear him say YOU SCHEMING BITCH! Lawyer: (to client) Would you oblige our witness please? Client: Certainly. YOU SCHEMING BITCH! Beaumont: That's him, all right. I'll never forget that voice. Lawyer: Thank you for your testimony. Next I present to you the Vengisil sketch, in which a woman gets revenge on her husband by sprinkling an irritating powder on her husband's unmentionables. My client says that he used to work in a factory that massproduced the popular women's soothing agent, Vagisil. With me is the personnel manager of this company, Franklin Mills. Mister Mills, do you recognize my client? Mills: I sure do. He's the best warehouse worker we ever had - whenever he decided to show up for work. Lawyer: And how did you punish him for taking too many days off? Mills: We'd send him to the Vagisil machine. When it's operating it stirs up a lot of dust that gets in the eyes. That's probably why he quit. Lawyer: Mister Mills, thank you for your testimony. Good people of the jury, I can supply witnesses to account for every word of what my client has shared online since he first appeared there in 2006. Would you like me to continue? Very well. Let's examine the sketch about the sneezing contest in which a man with a sneezing disability is challenged to a bet. My client claims to possess just such a disability and with the court's approval I would like to prove it now. (He takes out a shaker of pepper and blows some of the spice into his client's nose. No sneeze.) Would you like further proof? Please tilt your head back. (He unscrews the cap and pours the pepper into the client's nostrils, causing his client's eyes to water. Still no sneeze.)
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.